By G. Cochran, Assistant Editor
(Published Wednesday, July 8, 2015)
General Electric in cooperation with NASA and the HONR Network announced today their plans to send parents of the children who died in the tragic events at Sandy Hook Elementary school into space! This landmark event will send the parents to distant planets like Saturn where they will meet with our dark lord, Satan and present their plan to end gun violence.
Expected to be a journey lasting 18 months and spanning millions of miles, the crew will stop at the edge of the galaxy and broadcast the sound of children’s laughter throughout the universe. Although it’s uncertain whether the conditions will afford the opportunity, the crew hopes to dock with a comet and preach their message of love and resilience to microbial life forms they hope to find there.
“When we demanded a plan from lawmakers on this planet, the results were less than stellar,” remarked Michael Bloomberg who is also sponsoring the project. “The hope is that, in their capacity as ambassadors these determined parents will find other civilizations more receptive to a gun free world.” It seems a ‘gun free universe’ might be the ultimate goal shared between the Newtown parents and Michael Bloomberg, who awarded them honorary Jew status and Israeli citizenship upon their return. It’s thought that a mission of this type might kick start the process and achieve an end to personal gun ownership faster.
Michelle Alvin, a public relations spokesperson for NASA commented, “We did go to the moon. When I hear these bat-shit-crazy conspiracy theorists accuse NASA of faking it, it makes me want to take their guns away. That’s a very natural reaction to their claims. Therefore, NASA views this unprecedented mission as a win-win that will help to both prove we conduct space flights and lead to gun confiscation.”
Staffs at GE, NASA and the HONR Network share the view that, ultimately the pressure from intergalactic regimes will lead to gun confiscation here on earth. The excitement is almost palpable at mission headquarters, where engineers and change agents alike burst into fits of giggling and others simply drool while staring off into the distance. Presumably, imagining all the love and resilience resulting from a gun-free population is meditative and mesmerizing.
“We are OK to go, even if the American public isn’t,” joked Lenny Pozner, the bereaved father of Sandy Hook victim Noah Pozner. Updates are expected within the month and flight preparations are expected to begin sometime in August.